The Waiting Game

 

An uncomfortable quietness mixed with a feeling of helplessness. Uneasy anticipation. Impatiently waiting for the news.  

The hospital waiting room. 

Unlike in days of yore, when expectant fathers waited in the waiting room, today's waiting room is usually filled with a thick haze of despair.  

Hoping to hear that "everything went well" or "she is going to be okay." 

The minutes go by and it feels like a lifetime. 

You wonder what others are there for.  What are their stories? 

You could stretch your legs and get coffee to pass the time. Maybe, you read. Maybe, you watch TV mindlessly while you wait for the doors to open and call your name.  Whatever you can do to keep your mind going where you don't want it to go. 

Tom Petty said it best. "The waiting is the hardest part."  You are in limbo as your and your loved one's fates are in someone else's hands but the next time you find yourself in the waiting room, be kind to yourself, hold onto hope, and give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling.  It's Ok to be frightened of the "what if" and be excited about the "what could be." 

"The doctor will see you now."

Let's Get Physical

 

Before we discuss my latest physical, I need to give a prologue about Olivia Newton-John. 

It was a dream. Probably nine...maybe ten years old.  I still remember it like it was yesterday. 

Apparently, in my dream, Olivia was not only good friends with my sister but also an ex-girlfriend of mine (yes, the sleepover my sister had was awkward).  She drove me to my grade school (on a motorcycle of course) as we said our last goodbyes. She dropped me off, we hugged and kissed each other goodbye and that was it.  My first love...over, and there was no Danny Zuko comeback.  I was hopelessly devoted to her. 

Now, onto the real meat of tonight's diatribe.  My annual physical. I started seeing my new Doc last year when I moved and it was really just about who was seeing new patients.  Last year, high cholesterol.  Low blood pressure, triglycerides, and weight.  This year, low cholesterol and blood pressure and higher triglycerides and weight.  It's always something when you're getting older (I still can't figure out how I got this old).  The good news is that there is no bad news about the prostate, liver, or kidneys. 

A check-up is important. Both physically and mentally.  Your body and mind work together to get through this thing called life. Your soul then, follows. Take care of yourself.  Cleanse the brain and the bod every once in a while. 

Cheat sometimes, but don't cheat yourself.  Treat yourself, but not always with treats.  Care and be cared. Moderate and indulge. Live the teeter-totter to the fullest. 

Here's the thing...I've known way too many people who have died young (yes, anything under 70 is young).  I don't want to lose another. 

Time for some Xanadu. 

Pain

 Traveling for work and decided to catch a movie.  A Real Pain. 

Afterward, my wife asked me if it was good. 

It was.  I also said it was interesting.  She thought that might be akin to saying a blind date you met "had a good personality."  But that wasn't the case.  It truly was both.  

There was sadness mixed with joy.  Playfulness muddled with dread.  Innocence blended with scars. 

I tried to find the meaning and I came away with the feeling that through pain, we feel.  Through pain, we endure.  Through pain, we connect.  Real pain makes you feel alive. 

Recently, I was feeling pain.  It was because a series of seemingly unrelated circumstances that were all thrown into the pot and simmered until it reached a boil.  After some tears, honest talks, and  reconnections, I felt the healing salve. 

Ironically, in an empty theater, I felt connected.  Calm and at peace.  Maybe it was the pain before.  Maybe it was the cocktail before.  Maybe it was the story I was watching.  Maybe...it's just a part of healing. 

Maybe...

I Vote For...

 

We just experienced one of the more controversial elections in our history. I tip my hat to those who voted and had their voice heard. Whether you are blue or red, we move on and turn another chapter. 

Every day, we make a choice.  Every day, we vote. 

I vote for capturing every sunrise and sunset.

I vote for lazy Sunday mornings with breakfast in bed. 

I vote for hugs, kisses, and laughter. 

I vote for warm fires and blankets on cold, winter nights. 

I vote to stay naked after sex. 

I vote to love our children. 

I vote to walk away from people who drain you. 

I vote to travel. 

I vote to dance.  Where ever and whenever. 

I vote to read. 

I vote for being kind. 

I vote for the little things in life. 

I vote to always try and live my life to the fullest. 

I vote for the sport of football. 

We do our duty every four years to elect our leader, and, sometimes it doesn't work out the way we want...but we still vote. 

Just like life.  We don't always succeed, but we still need to choose. We still need to vote. 

Always...until the polls close. 

With a Little Help from My Friends

 

Whether it be the raspy vocals of Joe Cocker or the harmonic tones of The Beatles, the message was clear...

"Getting by with a little help from our friends" is the main ingredient to our stew of life. 

We all get stuck in neutral sometimes.  We all feel the roller coaster inching its way back down.  We all walk through the muddy pool (that's necessary for the Lotus to grow). 

We shouldn't feel like we are flying this mission solo.  We should feel like we are a part of something bigger. Connected. When we lose contact with mission control, the system is broken and malfunctions occur.  

When that happens, go the Bell Telephone route...reach out and touch someone.  

Today. 

PS: If you don't have a friend to reach out to, please make the call.  Counseling works.  

What if the Triple Lindy Was It?

Thornton Melon.  The Rodney Dangerfield character from the movie "Back to School," the 1986 comedy where Melon decides to go back to school to help his son Jason find his way. 

It was filmed in Madison, Wisconsin on the UW Madison campus.  I was a freshman.  They announced open auditions for extras and since I was an aspiring actor at the time, I figured "Why not?" 

The line outside Headliners was blocks long with hundreds of students looking to get a big break. They let 5-7 of us in at a time.  As the hours dragged on, the random thoughts of what might be kept creeping in.  We were not told what roles the extras would play, but that didn't matter.  It was our big shot. 

I entered with 5 others and walked on stage almost like a police lineup as none of us knew what to expect.  The lights were bright and after a few minutes of just standing there, a silhouette of a person yelled out..."Numbers 2, 3, and 5, thank you for your time, we won't be needing you."  I was number 1. 

After all of that, that was that.  And, scene...

Turns out the extra roles they were looking for were "drunken frat guys."  I guess it was somewhat complimentary to hear I didn't look the part. 

But, what if that was one of those key turning points in life?  We never know when a left turn or a right makes all the difference in life's road.  Was it fate?  Is our path pre-ordained or is life a multiple-choice exam where we have several distinct branches depending on our decisions, choices, or cards that are dealt? 

We will never know because of course, it's a hypothetical question.  Still, that being the case, one does wonder.  

I guess I will never know if the Triple Lindy was really it for me...

...even with the additional springboard. 

To Fall

 

Autumn.  

A time of change. A time of transition.  A time where nature blooms one more time before it dies from Winter’s sharp, icy blade. A necessary death that leads to re-birth. 

As leaves fall from the trees and leave them barren, we realize…such is life.  

We have to lose to grow again.  To see the colors, we have to feel the black and white.  To live…a part of us must die. 

But there is a reason for the kaleidoscope of paint before the darkness that is to come.  It’s to appreciate the beauty that is. Such is life.  

Mother Nature realized that death is a part of our seasons.  Such is life. 

We must fall…so that we can learn how to get back up again. 

To Fall. 

Are You a Critic or a Fan?

Reagan. 

Polarizing as a President. 

Almost more polarizing as a movie. 

The gap between the critics and the fans of the movie is significant. The coldest of wars.  

Critics critique the cinematography, the over-dramatization of the music and camera angles, Dennis Quaid's portrayal of Reagan, etc.  Fans are all about it. 

The Rotten Tomatoes critic's score is an abysmal 22%. 

Fans dig it. 4.7 out of 5 stars. 

Do you live your life as a critic or a fan? 

A critic is smart, evaluative, and technical. A fan is subjective, emotional, and appreciative. 

Neither is good or bad.  It just is. 

Some might gravitate towards the idealistic rom-com version of a fan life. Some might gravitate towards the jaded version of a critic. 

70/30 

70% fan. 30% critic.  

The right mix of left and right brain.  The perfect cocktail of idealism and realism.  Enough skepticism to keep you grounded blended with the optimism to let you fly. The perfect concoction...

...to see the bright dawn ahead. 

Green-ishlights

 “We all step in shit from time to time. We hit roadblocks, we fuck up, we get fucked, we get sick, we don’t get what we want, we cross thousands of “could have done better”s and “wish that wouldn’t have happened”s in life. Stepping in shit is inevitable, so let’s either see it as good luck or figure out how to do it less often.”

One of my favorite reads is "Greenlights" by Matthey McConaughey.  It's self-help without the BS.  Old school therapy that was shaken up in a margarita glass. A mixed elixir of Kerouac, Watts, and Chesney. 

It gave me a shot glass size of motivation to send some randomness your way.  Greenishlights if you will (because no one can match the crystal clear green-ness of McConaughey). 

What comes up, will come down.  What goes down, will come up. Ride the painted pony...

We live as the Lotus lives...we need the mud to make the flower. 

Coaching young people in sports is much bigger than what happens on the field or the court. 

You should feel pain when your favorite team loses. 

Passion and perspective are the two most important variables of life. 

Your true soulmate becomes your fantasy, your reality, and your dream. 

Keep believing. 

A well-timed/placed F-bomb is accepted. 

People are hurting.  You never know when a random act can heal. 

The older you get, the more you will prefer Gin over Vodka.  

Black coffee and neat Scotch are good for the soul. 

Take chances. 

You can never say "I love you" too many times. 

Ernest Shackleton is still the best explorer of all time. 

Don't regret your life. Live it. 

PS; I tried to find a contemplative image of myself to match McConaughey.  The best I could do was a shot of me on a run.   

Can You Handle the Truth

 

Friday, May 14th, 2010. 

My first official entry into the blog-o-sphere.  Blast off. 

It was a strange time of my life.  Searching for answers.  Looking for clarity on my path.  Frostian motivated. Which road do I take?  The one less traveled or the safe path.  I chose safely...for a while. 

273 entries later...I struggle sometimes with how far I take my scribed journey. 

So many more truths to explore. A veritable jungle where my pen acts as the machete that lets sunlight in. 

Times forgotten. Some purposefully.  Some, quite by accident.  

Some, where you feel the excitement of the roller coaster grinding up the hill, and some where you scream as the descent comes crashing down. 

Snapshots in time. Chapters of the book. 

Are we entitled to the truth?  Not sure. 

Will it do any good?  Also...not sure. 

Maybe later.  Maybe not. 

Not now though. 

Not now. 

Life in Front of a Green Screen

 

Rain. 

And lots of it. 

A Pluviophile's fantasy as of late. 

For the last month, rain has been a constant on the menu.  The daily special.  The weather du jour. 

Mind you, I really don't mind the rain.  There is nothing better than a midnight thunderstorm to dream during. 

The easiest time to be a Meteorologist.  Rain, rain, and more rain.  

And of course, Mother Nature will do what Mother Nature wants to.  There's nothing we can do to control it. 

Such is life.  The "no-control" list is long...

• What other people do. 
• How other people see you. 
• How other people treat you. 
• Whether other people like you. 
• What other people think, feel, or believe. 
• How other people internalize things you say and do. 
• What happens to other people. 
• Your thoughts and feelings. 
• The past. 
• The future.
• Aging. 
• The inevitability of getting hurt (emotionally or physically). 
• Suffering in the world. 

The more you accept and embrace what you can't control, the more control you have over your actions and responses driven by those events. By giving up control, you gain control. The paradigm of life. 

In other words, the more you learn to dance in the rain, the less wet you feel. 

No umbrellas needed. 

Red Oaks Remembered

Recently, I was introduced to the show, "Red Oaks."  A brilliant (albeit short-lived) creation set in the mid-80s following the trials and tribulations of David Meyers (Craig Roberts), a college-aged modern-day Benjamin Braddock who is trying to navigate that transitory stage of life going from kid to adult. Whether it be his dating life, career choices, or family drama, we watch David find his way (sometimes clumsily, sometimes accidentally, and sometimes expertly). 

The show hits home on so many different levels. 

    I worked at the Beloit Country Club from 1985-1987. 

    One of my best friends was Mark, the Tennis Pro.  

    My Mom and Dad were divorced and I lived primarily with my Dad. 

    We had "employee" days and parties at the Club. 

Many nights after hours were spent at the Club pool with Mark, my sister Kelly, and my girlfriend, Wendy (pictured above).  

These were Summers of fun. Summers of change.  Summers of growth.  

I look back fondly on that time.  It was the perfect place to experience the life transition we were all going through...from carefree kid to aspiring adult with the world in front of us. We were living life through a microscope as the rest of the world was telling us to look through the telescope.  

The show is labeled as a "coming of age" genre.  I've never explored that term in real life but it fits. 

Looking back, we all came of age...

...in the shadows of the manicured greens and sculpted courts. 

Epilogue; I eventually married that girlfriend and she sadly passed away at the age of 41.  My sister died at 56.  I lost track of Mark. But, I will always have those summers to remember. 

Randomness Rules

Recently, a coaching friend had a health scare.  Looks like he will pull through and heed his wake-up call.  Listen when your body tells you something and don't take it for granted. 

Finding your career after college is a fallacy.  Find a job you like and see where it takes you. 

Heartbreak sucks.  Young heartbreak sucks even more (pets make fantastic Sherpas helping to mend the break though). 

Don't let a fixer-upper be a downer. Embrace it. 

Repair and reconnect whenever you can. 

Embrace storms. Both meteorological and metaphorical. Haruki Murakami said it most eloquently and simply, "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in." 

Great coaches reach players and other coaches alike. 

Paul Giamatti is brilliant.  One of the most underrated actors of our time. 

The simple beauty of Iceland is truly the pinnacle to strive for.

A good beard balm is a great elixir for the skin. 

PS;  The image is from the Geiri Smart Restaurant in Reykjavik. Every once in a while, you need to throw a good, old fashioned soiree. 

Beard balm and candles 

The Greatest Pain

It's a pain like no other. 

The deepest cut, the largest bruise, and the most damaging diagnosis can't match this trauma. 

It travels directly to the core of your very being. 

Seeing your child hurt is by far, the greatest pain of all. 

You go through your life as a parent doing everything in your power to protect them from this pain but you know deep down, you will inevitably fail. You try, and you try to protect them from danger, but alas, it is a futile attempt to shield them completely. The point pierces skin eventually. 

"If only..."

You mutter those infamous words of regret, thinking you could've prevented the hurt.  You swear you saw this coming and if only...if only...you would've done something differently, you could've deflected it with your shelter. 

There is no "if only." There is only "what is."  And you will eventually see your child hurt in the human world of "what is."

Provide the ethereal human Bactine of listening... hugs...and advice if you can and time will eventually heal. 

It is that pang you feel when they feel the pain. 

Be there. Really be there. It's the only antidote for them.  

And you. 

 

Get Stoked

 

Love a real wood-burning fireplace. 

Doesn't matter the season.  Doesn't need a reason.  A wood-burning fire can light up your moments. 

The first spark is crucial but the spread of the flame is the heart of the burn.  Seeing one log light up after another. 

But to maintain the glow, you need to stoke the fire. 

True with a fireplace.  True with life. 

Whether it be your family.  Your friends. Your passions.  Your work. To keep the spark alive, to keep it growing...you need to stoke it. 

Here's the thing. It takes much more work to start the flame than it does to grow it.  It's the simple things in life that keep it burning.  A small gesture, a kind word, a pat on the back, a hug. They all add fuel to the flame. 

And without these, the flame eventually dies. 

So, grow the spark, feel the warmth, get stoked, and keep your life logs burning. 

Burn, baby, burn. 

Stew On It

 

Legacy. 

A word that carries a weight with it.  A blessing and a burden. 

What are you leaving behind? 

Not, what THINGS are you leaving behind?  That's what wills are for.  But, what part of you will live on?  What part will people remember?  

Recently, I have witnessed two separate legacy-defining situations.  One, I am sure will leave fond thoughts and memories, and the other, I am certain, will leave scars. 

The former has a sense of the greater good.  The realization that his story is but a chapter in a much larger book. The latter feels they are the page, chapter, and book (possibly even the library). 

It's wonderful seeing the right legacy happen around us.  It's a nightmare watching the opposite. 

One doesn't create the right legacy consciously.  The unconscious legacy is the outcome of the conscious steps taken. 

Your legacy is akin to a stew or goulash.  Countless ingredients make up the final recipe. Sometimes, just a dash of salt makes all the difference. 

What's on your legacy menu? 

Dinner is served. 

Lost Horizon

 

In the last season of "Mad Men," Don Draper finds himself in a conference room full of ad execs for McCann Erickson talking about Miller Beer.  

"The best box lunch around.  Should have your name on it." 

As Bill Phillips from Conley Research starts to paint the picture of their new Miller Lite drinker, Don looks wistfully off into the horizon and sees a plane lazily flying by. 

"What is his brand?" 

Don ponders that question for a moment, stands up, and walks out of the meeting without a word spoken. 

He's lost his brand. Lost horizon. 

We've all been in Don's shoes.  We step outside of ourselves and wonder "Who are we." 

We've all lost our horizons.  Some never find them again.  Some regain their footing and keep climbing. 

I experienced this recently.  Took me a while but I found it again...back on track. 

Sometimes we do need to lose our way just so we can find ourselves again. 

Here's the thing...our horizon moves.  It's fluid.  It's malleable. We need to join the dance and move with it.  

Change your camera view. Build a new perspective. Perspective is a wonderful panacea for a lost horizon. 

It's okay to sometimes feel lost. It's normal. 

Don't look at your life horizon like a box lunch...a cookie-cutter creation...one with your name on it.  Look at it like a buffet with many things to choose from to please the palette. One that you create. 

Lost...now found.  Again.  

Off Script

 

When Robert Downey Jr. went off script in "Iron Man" in 2008 with the immortal words "I am Iron Man," it changed the trajectory of the Marvel universe from that point forward.  It became an iconic part of the story, even up until the very end. 

Once again...art imitates life. 

There is no script to life.  It is the largest improv theatre you will ever see. 

You expect a right turn on the horizon and you go left.  You expect the roller coaster to turn back up but it plummets back down towards the earth.  You think it's your happily ever after moment but then a sequel appears. 

Off script. 

It's similar to the scene in "Pleasantville" when Tobey Maguire tells Jane Kaczmarek, "There is no right house.  There is no right car...it's not supposed to be anything." 

Life isn't supposed to be anything.  It just is.  Life isn't supposed to be lived on script.  It just happens.

You can't stage your life...but your life is a stage. 

Action. 

Random Red Thoughts

"...random thoughts, an overflow of gazing at the unseen." 

Love that quote from Michael Bassey Johnson, a brilliant writer and poet. 

Random thoughts give you permission to daydream a bit.  Experience a Walter Mitty moment every once in a while. Just gaze at the unseen and see what happens. 

I tip my glass in the direction of randomness.  

A good bartender is just as valuable as a good doctor or lawyer. 

Sometimes, you just need to go and have sex with your wife in a hotel. 

I am envious of people born on February 29th but feel bad for those who lost someone on that same day. 

February really is a long month despite the actual number of days. 

Sunrise or sunset?  I can't choose. 

You are never too old to hug. 

Everyone should have five go-to restaurants; Italian, Bar-be-que, Hole in the Wall, Steak joint, and Mexican. 

It really does feel good being nice. 

There is no better bite than the first bite of buttered toast dipped into the yoke of a sunny-side-up egg. 

Light a fire in a real fireplace...often. 

I don't want to live past 90. 

Stemmed wine glasses for dinner.  Stem-less for lunch or happy hour. 

Cheers to randomness. 

'Clink'

Life at an Unsquared 90 Degrees

 

My wife and I went to see famed jazz trumpeter, Wayne Bergeron the other night.  It was wild and beautiful.  As we were getting into the syncopated beat and delighted by the range of his magical trumpet, we asked ourselves if our architect friend, Dave would be into jazz. We thought "There's no way someone with an exact mind would be into the un-exactedness of jazz."

Remember...close enough for jazz. 

But then we remembered, Dave was totally into Dave Brubeck. 

Brubeck...the father of cool jazz; the unlikely matrimony of bebop and big band combining frenetic chaos with silky smooth undertones.  Brubeck's music had a random exactness to it. Coordinated spontaneity. 

The Unsquare dance.  A delightful morsel of his music, which combined blues, jazz, and country western, was edgy, cool, and undefined.  But there were precise corners to the piece too. 

As my wife and I broke down our evening, we started talking about our friend again and realized his delicate balance of structure and bedlam was a microcosm of life. 

Life has wide bumpers, baby, and use every inch of them.  Draw outside the lines and not off the paper. Be adventurous and humble.  Ride the teeter-totter between falling off and balance. Experience everything life has to offer and be selective. 

Life is jazz.  Fun, unexpected, and crazy, with notes to live by. 

"Jazz is about freedom within discipline." 

Jazz and life.  It's a gas. 

Dig it?  

Random Thoughts from the Road

As the ice melts and the wick burns...

Randomness rules. 

Tobacco candles are sublime...especially in hotel rooms. 

As a middle infielder, you need to trust your first baseman...unless he sleeps with your wife. 

There is still nothing quite like turning the pages of a real book. 

There's no better brotherhood than a tight-knit coaching staff. 

Basil Hayden is delicious. 

Those who are critical of talent that executes "dog and pony" flawlessly don't know a dog's ass from a pony's. 

Quarterbacks and Tight Ends...the linchpins of a successful offense. 

M*A*S*H was brilliant. 

Lust is better when married to love. 

Enjoy every sunset and sunrise you can. 

Spooning is a lost art. 

Dave Brubeck is still cool. 

And...

Those who are truly wealthy, don't show their wallet.  Those who are truly smart, think quietly.  

I'll take another...

...just put it on my tab. 

Let's Just Call it a Ghost Cat

 

Walter Mitty:  When are you going to take it? 

Sean O'Connell: Sometimes I don't.  If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don't like to have the distraction of the camera.  I just want to stay in it. 

Walter Mitty:  Stay in it? 

Sean O'Connell:  Yeah.  Right there.  Right here. 

This is the exchange between Ben Stiller's character, Walter Mitty, and Sean Penn's character, Sean O'Connell in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty where O'Connell is a world-renowned photographer and Mitty is a Negative Assets Manager at Life Magazine. O'Connell passes on capturing a picture of a beautiful Snow Leopard in favor of capturing the moment. 

We all are guilty of missing the moment sometimes.  We drift away from the moment because of the past.  We dream away the moment because of the future.  Our commitment to the moment is destroyed because of some other distraction and it's lost forever. 

Alan Watts, an English writer, speaker, and self-styled "philosophical entertainer" said it best, "I have realized that the past and the future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is." 

The Pike Place Fish Market was the impetus for The Fish Philosophy, training that inspires workplaces and individuals to choose to create the kind of life they desire.  One of their pillars is to "Be there."  Be emotionally present for people in the moment. 

Enjoying the moment.  Living the moment.  Savoring the moment as you would your last bite of your favorite meal. This is the key to life. 

Put down the phone. Stop over-thinking the past and hopelessly waiting for the future.  And just be right there. 

Right here. 

I Resolve

 

It's January 3rd.  I've yet to make a New Year's Resolution. 

It's tradition, right?  You can already see the weight loss, cottage cheese, and Pelaton ads screaming at you letting you know "This is the year." 

Here's the thing...

Your resolution should not be an annual ritual that comes around every 365 days.  It should be a monthly resolution...a weekly resolution...a daily resolution (Hell, make it an hourly resolution if you can). 

Wake up and resolve. 

I resolve...to be "there" more.  To stay in the moment. 

I resolve...to read more.  To feel the pages in my hands and absorb the fiction and non. 

I resolve...to get back into Yoga. It's a wonderful physical and mental stretch. 

I resolve...to tell people I love them more. 

I resolve...to try to not worry about making moments 'perfect.' 

I resolve...to drink more water. 

I resolve...to eliminate debt.

I resolve...to walk more. 

I resolve...to learn from the past, but not live in it. 

I resolve...to forgive (maybe, not forget). 

I resolve...to exhale. 

I resolve...

...to continue to try to resolve.