Patricia, Nancy, Todd, and Matt

 

It was the Fall of 1985. The first semester of a freshman-year theater class, Theater 101 (everything in life is 101 the first time you do it, right?). 

I really didn't know my path. I knew I loved media, marketing, and writing. I knew I was pretty good at theater (I was actually a really good dancer.  I got into theater because I played football and my high school was putting on West Side Story and wanted football players to play Jets and Sharks).  So, theater it was. 

My T.A. was named Patricia (Pat) Ryan. A brilliant and talented Grad student who taught our class. 

To be accepted into the program, you had to do a 2-3 minute monologue in front of 13 professors. My closest classmates were Nancy, Todd, and Matt. They were all so talented. Nancy was amazingly nice, smart, and had a huge heart. Everything seemed cool and easy for Todd. Effortless. Breezy. Matt was one of the most naturally funny people I had ever met. 

Pat called us in after our auditions and told us all we made the program.  She then told Nancy, Todd, and Matt they could go but she wanted to talk to me alone. 

She told me "I made it but not by a unanimous vote." She asked me "Do you know why you weren't unanimous? It's because you are good and you know it. You don't try as hard as the others. You take something, learn it, throw it away, and then move on to the next thing." 

Wow.  I was completely taken aback. I was fucking 18 years old and had no clue how to respond at first. Lucky for me, I eventually took it to heart, got my shit together, and started working harder for things. I stopped taking things for granted. 

Nancy and I did "Barefoot in the Park."  It was my first "real" theatrical kiss. Loved working with her. 

I got out of the program about a year later. Matt and Todd were so much more talented than me but didn't conform to some of the more rigid rules and didn't get accepted the next time we had to re-audition. I thought to myself "How can they not make it?! Maybe this isn't for me." 

I eventually went into Communications. Great choice with zero regrets. 

I lost track of all of them but they left an indelible impression on me. 

Thank you, Pat, for being real with me. 

Thank you, Nancy, Todd, and Matt for being real friends. 

Scene. 

The image is Vilas Hall; UW-Madison Theater Department.

Regrets?

 

Regrets, I've had a few...but then again, too few to mention. 

The immortal words of wisdom from the 'Chairman of the Board'. 

I think about this tune often and ask myself, "Do I have regrets?" The answer is clear for all of us, but it's truly a matter of semantics, context, and time. Regrets inherently imply a painful dwelling of mistakes. And in the moment or in the recency aura of the event, it truly is regret.   

But as time goes by, hopefully, the regret turns into reflection.  If it doesn't make that shift and you continue to own regret, it can be crippling.  I know people who carry these moments with them like permanent luggage.  The weight is so heavy, they can't see any way out. 

At times, the reflection can turn back into regret momentarily. A trigger could reposition it. 

Regrets aren't necessarily bad and conversely, reflection isn't necessarily good.  They are what they are. 

We learned of the three R's in school. It's time to remember the three R's in life. 

Regrets, reflections...and releases. 

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

 

"Most of freedom and of pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever. Everybody wants to rule the world." 

Everybody Wants to Rule the World.  The iconic 80's anthem from the English pop rock band Tears for Fears, hit the right chords for me lyrically during my teen years. 

I heard it recently and immediately was transported back in time when I truly felt like I could rule the world (didn't we all think that way when we were 17 or 18).  I started thinking about other song lyrics that spoke to me.  

"When I was thirty-five, it was a very good year.  It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls of independent means."  

"And when October goes, the snow begins to fly, above the smoky roofs, I watch the planes go by. The children running home beneath a twilight sky.  Oh, for the fun of them, when I was one of them."  

"But, I still believe. I still believe. Through the pain and through the grief.  Through the lives, through the storms.  Through the cries, and through the wars."  

"It's slinging mud and dirt and grass.  It's I got your number, I got your back when your back's against the wall.  You mess with one man, you got us all.  The boys of fall."  

"What goes up must come down. Spinning wheel got to go 'round. Talkin' 'bout your troubles, it's a cryin' sin.  Ride a painted pony...let the spinning wheel spin. 

What tune are you singing? 

The Final Chapter

 

My wife got me a book for Christmas.  It's the book that inspired the movie I have already seen and loved. And, I love the book. 

There is one section of the book though, where I felt the writer went off the tracks just a bit. Have you ever listened to a song that went on one too many lyrical clusters?  A movie that had a scene or two that was unnecessary?  A book that veered off path for too long? 

What's too long?  When do you come up with the final note, chapter, or verse? 

Writing anything is subjective to the author so there's no right answer. But, there's a feel.  Hemmingway once said "If I started to write elaboratively...I found I could cut that scrollwork or ornament out and throw it away." 

Far from it for me to judge someone else's pacing, flow, or rhythm...or when they direct us to the final chapter. I only go here for my own growth. 

Turn the page. 

Is a Scoreboard Black & White?

Does the scoreboard tell the whole story? 

Absolutely not (Disclaimer; we aren't talking about the t-ball mentality where everyone gets a medal.  At the end of the day, wins count). 

In sports, business, or life, losing is inherent to winning.  You have to fall short so you aim higher.  The step backward is critical to the two steps forward.  

You have to dig deeper into what the scoreboard tells you. Did you learn something?  Did you make mistakes that led to the loss?  Did you grow? 

Can you make a case for moral victories?  When you are looking at the microscope, absolutely.  The telescope is a much different view. Many moral victories eventually lead to a scoreboard win.  

What you can't do is accept the losses without growth.  What you can't do is continue to do the same things without changing (Einstein said something about this). What you can't do is become complacent with the L.  You have to turn these losses into building blocks to become better.  

When the clock strikes zero, there is a winner or loser.  The scoreboard is the headline.  The byline though decides what happens next. 

Fireside Randomness

As the clock ticks down on 2024, it's time to drink deep from the randomness bottle and spew some musings and thoughts. 

No matter the time of day, or season, a wood burning fire is a true delight. 

Going to therapy or counseling is a good thing only when you truly give them permission to call you on your bullshit. 

Red sauce is so much better than white sauce. 

12 personnel is so much damn fun when you have the players. 

Reading actual paper books is therapy on its own.

"Sideways" and  "Swingers" are the consummate dude friend flicks.  

Day drinking and afternoon delights are healthy choices when used in moderation. 

If you truly live your life like Kerouac, Hemmingway, Shackleton, and Buffett did, you'd be the best version of yourself. 

There is nothing sexier than a tall beautiful blonde in tall boots. 

You should hate to lose more than you love to win. 

Dive bar bartenders are the best people to take advice from (and cheaper than doctors or lawyers). 

You are never too busy to take in a sunset or sunrise, go for a walk, talk with an old friend, read a book, sit quietly, write, appreciate art, listen to music, dance for no reason, or take a 20 minute nap. 

I challenge you to find a better all purpose word that carries such a diversity of emotions than "fuck." 

Dave Brubeck is still the definition of "cool." 

Don't confuse goals with dreams.  And, don't stop working on both. 

And...once you find your "happy place," go back to it, often. 

The Waiting Game

 

An uncomfortable quietness mixed with a feeling of helplessness. Uneasy anticipation. Impatiently waiting for the news.  

The hospital waiting room. 

Unlike in days of yore, when expectant fathers waited in the waiting room, today's waiting room is usually filled with a thick haze of despair.  

Hoping to hear that "everything went well" or "she is going to be okay." 

The minutes go by and it feels like a lifetime. 

You wonder what others are there for.  What are their stories? 

You could stretch your legs and get coffee to pass the time. Maybe, you read. Maybe, you watch TV mindlessly while you wait for the doors to open and call your name.  Whatever you can do to keep your mind going where you don't want it to go. 

Tom Petty said it best. "The waiting is the hardest part."  You are in limbo as your and your loved one's fates are in someone else's hands but the next time you find yourself in the waiting room, be kind to yourself, hold onto hope, and give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling.  It's Ok to be frightened of the "what if" and be excited about the "what could be." 

"The doctor will see you now."